


The Bigger They Are, The Harder They Fall

by Enide_Dear



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Humor, M/M, but not in this fic, like they are ill, no like really sick, not perverted, sick dudes, well they are perverted to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 11:01:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9720839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enide_Dear/pseuds/Enide_Dear
Summary: Disease strikes at Noctis camp and guess who is stuck playing nurse? Just humor.





	

"Rise and shine everyone!" Ignis shook the tent a little to get his message through. "Breakfast is ready!"

There were the expected whimpering and groans from inside, so he shook it once more. 

"Prompto! Noct! Get up!" Did they really have to go through this every morning? Really those two were as bad as toddlers sometimes!

"What is it Iggy? Oh, breakfast!" Stumbling over a tent line, Prompto managed to keep his balance - and his camera - intact only by a number of fancy footwork that would not have been out of place in a ballroom.

Ignis frowned and then sighed. Molding his voice to something close to patient, he continued to shake the tent.

"Really your Highness, this is no way for a king to behave...."

"Go away, I'm dying!" Came the muffled voice from inside. 

"Noct is down by the lake, fishing," Prompto said between breakfast bites, and then he to frowned. "Wait, then who is still in the tent?"

"Oh no." Appalled, Ignis took a step back.

"Oh no what? Hey, look at what I caught!" The pride in Noctis voice went almost seamlessly into a pout when noone turned ot look at his flopping catch. "What?" he asked crankily. "Who died and keeps you from admiring this snakehead?"

"Maybe....maybe Gladio did?" Promtp whispered in something that was partly information, partly a question, partly fear and altogehter a plead to higher powers to make it not so. 

"What?!" Tossing the fish aside, Noct stepped over to the tent and tore the tent flap open, hurrying in. Getting his mental balance back somewhat, Ignis hurried to follow and Prompto was not far behind. 

 

In the semi-darkness of the tent, Gladio was huddled under all their blankets, sweating and pale. He barely looked up when they entered, his face pale and drawn with suffering and his whole body shaking despite the many blankets and rather stuffy air in the tent. 

"Gladio?" Shocked to see his indominable Shield brought down, Noct stopped before hesitatnly reaching out a hand to touch him. 

Ignis quickly snatched his hand away.

"Don't." He said, low and serious. "It will not do for the Crown Prince to catch....whatever this is. Stay away. I will handle this." The advicer crawled a few stepps forward and put his own hand on Gladio's forehead. It was far too warm to the touch and both Prompto and Noctis paniced sightly when the gentle touch drew a pained moan from Gladiolous.  "How are you feeling, Gladio?" Ignis asked gently.

"I'm going to die," Gladio's voice was all but unrecognicable as he whined out the words. "You must leave me. Move on towards Altissa...withouth me."

"Ah." Ignis eyes narrowed a fraction and he lifted up a strong tattoeed arm and let it fall. It was as limp as an overcooked noodle. "Where does it hurt?" He asked as he checked the pulse. 

"Everywhere. My whole body is on fire. My bones are aching. My skull is being cracked open from inside. My..."

"Oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my gods....." Promtpo and Noctis clung to one another like abandoned children in the woods and only Prompto seemed to still be able form coherent speach. "What is it, Iggy? Is it chocobo pox? Garantual plague? Necrosis? Parasitic worms? Leper?"

Gladio whined louder at the sound of all that, and then sneezed hard enough to shake the tent. 

"No, I...."Ignis paused and looked at Prompto. "How do you even know about those?"

"I read a book once." Prompto said wih eyes huge and fearful. "There are soooooo many things that can kill you, man! Germs are everywhere!"

"I see." Adding 'hypocondria' to his mental list over the young mans many neuroses, Ignis cleared his throat. "Gladio has no spots, seeping wounds, lost body parts, swollen appendixes or is hallucinating dancing frogs, so I think it is safe to conclude he is free of parasites or other lethal diseases."

"Tell Iris I loved her," Gladio moaned from his cocoon, recieving an absent pat by Ignis, who then wiped his hands on a napkin.

"Then what is it?" Noctis demanded. "Is he posioned or something? Because I can fix that right away."

"No need to spend potions or antidotes, it wont help." Ignis shook his head. "Not against this foe."

"I need you guys to note down my last will and testament," Gladio's voice was just a thin whisper by now and Prompto look like he'd faint.

"Just spit it out already, Iggy! Is it dangerous? Is it contagious?" Noctis demanded, unable to take the pressure any more. 

"Dangerous, no. Contagious....." Ignis shifted his glasses up a fraction. "Highly. I am afraid he has...." Ignis had never felt the need for a dramatic pause in his life but he wanted to really imprint the importance of what he was about to say. "Man flue."

"Man flue?!" Noctis frowned. "What the Hell is that?!"

"Oh, a very very disabling disease." Sometimes Ignis sense of humour was so dry it was impossible to say if he was joking or not. "Its symptoms include light fever, a clogged nose, perhaps some soar throat and an overabudance of melodramatic statements, moans and self pity. All of which seems to fit nicely into this, don't you think?"

All three stared at him, with looks raging from utterly relieved, through incredolous to utterly betrayed. 

"I do not," Gladio hissed, glaring at the advicer from under the blankets, "have a man flue!"

"Denial is also part of the sickness," Ignis nodded.

"Alright, I do have man flue!" Gladio roared with something close to his normal voice.

"I am so glad you have accepted your fate."

"Stop that!"

"Stop what?" Ignis rose an eyebrow at the now seething heep of blankets.

"Stop being clever! I'm suffering here!"

"You are spreading bad habits to Noct and Prompto, that's what you are doing. Do you really want them to behave like this everytime they ge the sniffles?" Before Gladio could think of an answer to that, Ignis got to his feet and ushered the still stunned younger men out of the tent. "So, we have some work to do. Chicken soup, weak tea, try to find some tissues for that runny nose of his...."

"But..." Noct was still a bit off balance. "But, he'll be alright? I mean, he's not in any danger, is he?"

"The worse thing he's suffering from is a bad case of self pity. Don't encourage it. Oh, and Noctis, kindly get me that bottle of Slime Oil we got from the Giant Toad. Yes, the big one."

With visible reluctance, the crown prince found and handed over the bottle. From inside the tent came the sound of a 2 meter tall man trying to burrow himself into the ground and hide. 

"Dont you dare, Iggy!" came the hoars shout that no one paid attention to, as all eyes were fixed on the bottle of Slime Oil as if it was about to explode.

"What do you want this stuff for anyway, Iggy? It stinks like old gym socks!" Noctis handed the bottle over with as much care as if it had been his first born. He had dropped one bottle once and it had led to having to scrap every piece of clothing the liquid touched. The smell just never left. 

"Indeed, but it is also very healthy. Or at least not downright toxic." There was a faint, evil smile on Ignis' lips as he poured up a large dollop of truly horrible oil in a cup. "I am willing to bet it can cure man cold in less than three days. Don't you think, Gladio?" He asked as he walked beack into the tent.

"I'm not drinking that!" came the half plea half protest.

"Oh don't be such a baby. Put on a good example for the boys...."

It was easy to forget that Ignis was trained in several rather shady and grey areas of prison interrogation. Gladio didnt stand a chance. 

The horrified screaming and retching coming from the tent made both younger men take a step back.

"You know, I don't I've ever felt this heatlhy in my life." Prompto swallowed nervously. 

"Dito," Noctis agreed.

"How is that soup and tea coming along, boys?" Still sitting on Gladio to keep him pinned and with one hand holding his jaw open to pour dowm liquid, Ignis waved at them. "If you are feeling sluggish, maybe you need some oil to?"

Prompto och Noctis all but fell over each other when they ran to obey.


End file.
